GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
