I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
