I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
