My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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