I want to walk on stilts...naked
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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