i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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