u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
