Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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