a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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