turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
