i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
