Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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