I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
