My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
3pm strippers are depressing
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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