I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
