I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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