sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
