My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
