so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
