I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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