Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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