You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
