Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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