She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
