is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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