Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
