I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
