I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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