Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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