dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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