how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
