He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
