are you still at the devil's house?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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