That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
