Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
