cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
