At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
