i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize