You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
