good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I can't put those talents on a resume
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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