fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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