I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
