do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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