so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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