As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
