i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
