I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
