uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
