I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
