I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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