i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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