i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
