I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
