I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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