Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I am available for nakedness
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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