then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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