Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
