Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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