i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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